BLEEDING AND LONELY HEATRS EPISODE 3.
My husband claimed our love was dead the day I was bold enough to bring home my boyfriend who was fifteen years younger than I was. In a breakup everyone sides with the party that cried the most. If you decided not to complain everyone blames you as they did not know your side of the story. I knew the decision I took at the time, to me was justified. In this world you could only control few things, every other thing took their own course. The most difficult one is how to shape the hearts of people through talking. As a child I tried to be very independent of most people, even including my parents. At a tender age I learned to take care of myself. It was this ego ‘self-atualition’ which was the underlying factor for our breakup. I shall refuse to call it a breakup anyway. In my mind I had wanted some form of freedom where I could also call the shots. It would be hard to say men do not listen; it is just because it is men’s world. If only men could listen and not to force their will, half the problems of breakingup could be resolved amicably. Out of freewill did I join in with him but society would not accept departure out of freewill. I may not be in the position to re-make the world. I should say the society thriving on generally accepted rules and regulation is right. This way anarchy is curbed.
We were okay. The film career was at its peak. The children were big and were doing well. He did a lot to take care of them for which I loved and respected him. At that moment, I felt my input was not very crucial, so time had come I could gain some form of freedom. He would not listen in if I should make the proposition, so I took matters in to my own hand. I could not stay alone so I have decided to have a toy-boy. I could not actually tell at the time if he would be hurt. Or if he had retaliated by having a woman for himself I would also be hurt. To me it was great achievement, my dream of independence had been fulfilled. May be because he did not retaliate I could not tell in actual terms how I would have felt. I do respect him a lot for this. I can tell for free he was the right man for me. Talking would not help us reach a conclusion on the matter so brought home my toy-boy to let him know I was not actually doing things behind his back. I was actually prepared to explain myself, but I was not given the chance to represent myself. It would be pointless having others to come in to arbitrate. I do not need to be bold to do what I did. I was just justifying my childhood ambition of independence. It also does not mean a situation of that feeling of regret-‘If were a boy.’
But today I have regretted every action of mine. There was some form of an un-quantified lost in my life. I just cannot tell what it was. The acknowledgement that he did not depart from me did a lot trick but surely everything was not as before. I have found out I was not in control as I thought I would have been to nurture my happiness. It is this bit which had left a vacuum. I was not too sure what happiness is and how to obtain it. That brings to mind the wise saying everything is vanity. The real things one chases after in the hope to make one happy when obtained then the desired for them is eroded. You became vain trying to pursue some other things. I would appreciate the fact that it is just the nature of man.
Society norms may necessarily be right but for the fact that they are base on attested and practical situation, I would advocate they are respected and adhered to. It is sad to be lonely and unhappy. It really drives mad. It is even sad one cannot tell when one is lonely, amidst large number of friends you still feel unwanted and that makes you fell lonely. It is not good if you could not enjoy your achievements. The question is how do you enjoy your achievements? The only way is to share. If you have no one to share with you became miserable. Can you tell how a football feels when he scores a goal? He runs amuck, refusing to be touched. That gives the ‘modus operandis’ for how to be happy – self application. I carry with me a primary school moment when school inspectors came in one afternoon and a question was asked and no one knew the answer except I. I felt like a queen. The praises showered on me though not tangible but they made me felt six inches tall.
